I miss you.

I miss your voice,

Only a faint memory in my mind.

Dandelion fluff, floating, or dancing-

No.

Twirling away,

as I reach out to grab it, only to find

the sharp abyss of longing

cradled in my palm.

I don’t remember much.

I was only five

when I watched my dad hold back tears

As the casket descended,

while you laid peacefully inside.

And while I have only but a handful,

My memories of you

are worth much more

than the Crown Jewels.

I remember your big white hair,

like a fluffy cloud

In a bright blue sky.

Your nails were always painted bright,

Always red like the sweetest apple

On a hot summer’s day

I remember visiting you at your nursing home,

a dove on the sign outside.

You were always so happy

To see that dad brought me and my sister

And you found joy in letting us use your stark white room

as our playground.

I would always ask you 

to scratch the back of my neck.

You never said no.

You would always let us jump on your bed

and use your walker to make forts,

protecting us from the monsters outside

under the soft blanket we called our roof. 

Dad loved you

and you loved him.

I remember clearly

A dark blue bag the color of the deep ocean

As you handed it to him.

It contained peppermints,

Red and white contrasting starkly.

Dad let me have some.

You loved us like no other.

It makes sense.

My mom says that you always loved children,

even more than you loved making the pastel colored porcelain figures

that we all have in our rooms.

I remember the last time I spoke with you.

You were at your son’s house, and you held my newborn brother.

You kept repeating the same joke-

“I might just keep him!”

Later, mom told me it was because you were very sick

And had trouble remembering.

Did you, too, reach for memories,

Dandelion fluff,

twirling through the air,

As they soared with the birds?

Did you, too, come back empty handed?

Dad seemed sad that last visit.

I didn’t realize then what that visit meant.

Dad still misses you.

He was like a son to you,

more of a son than your actual children,

Who took you for granted

even as you loved them with all of your heart,

Until it was too late.

They never visited, leaving you sitting, lonely,

Until dad came with us to visit.

Your coffin, lowering into the ground,

Going down

Down!

Down!!

Like your children let you down.

You deserved better.

I remember your funeral,

The sky gray,

Like the monochrome colors

Of old T.V. shows.

A man in a black suit

Passed around a brown wicker basket

Filled to the brim with colored glass pebbles.

Some were shaped like stars.

Mom let us take two each.

I remember gripping

My star shaped pebble,

Anchoring me down

As I battled stormy seas.

I miss you.

I love you.