It’s when your feelings
Your life
Your pain
Become a constant dull ache
In the back of your mind
Always there
Always silent
Always invisible

It’s when you start to feel
Like a zombie
Every day is the same
Always hurting
Never healing

It’s when you decide you need
A way to feel alive
Without giving in
To your buried emotions

It’s when you crave
A new kind of pain

One that burns instead of aches

One that keeps you up all night

One that shows you what your pain
Really looks like
You think it helps you live
It doesn’t
It keeps you alive yes
But your heart is still stone
Your eyes are still dead
Your emotions are still on pause

It’s when you’ve been drowning so long
You don’t think you can take it anymore
There is nothing to hold onto
But some demented
And misplaced sense of purpose
And you are kicking
And thrashing
And drowning
Yes
You are drowning
It’s when the screaming starts
From the pit of your stomach
Up your throat
And out of your mouth
But the scream is silent
No one can hear it
Not even you
It can only be felt
It can only be seen

It’s when you start to get this feeling
Maybe you should stop
It’s not really a feeling though
Just a thought
A thought that doesn’t sound like yours
Ridiculous really
We both know you can’t stop
Not now
Not ever
Maybe you try anyways
Maybe you try to stop

It’s when you’re hopelessly
Addicted

You know it

You admit it

You hate it
And maybe you’ll keep trying
Keep trying to stop
But maybe you won’t
Maybe you will give up

It’s when you know
That either decision ends the same
With white light and mourning
You just have to choose
If it’s now or later
Do you want it to end now
Or later

It’s when you decide
To just get it over with
So you pick now

That’s when it all finally ends