Feelings
I have these feelings.
They make once-simple tasks -
Walking to class, changing for gym-
Hard.
Before puberty,
I could hold these feelings
At bay,
Burying them deep with in my psyche,
But now they cloud my head,
Making my thoughts
Filthy,
My eyes
Wander.
Now my once-thought-righteous mind
Is unholy

Game changer
I know attraction.
I’ve had butterflies,
But this is different.
You radiate.
You engulf my insides with flames.
My blood boils when I see
Those crimson locks,
That pale skin,
Your green eyes.
Beauty is defined as your elegant frame.
They are now my everything.
They make
You make this curse
That much harder
To break.

Hello
Your personality is just as appealing
As your looks.
Your laugh,
That sarcastic wit
That almost revivals my own,
Everything about you is flawless.
Our conversation flowed
So easily.
I wanted to talk with you
For hours.
I wished to sit there and pour my soul out
For those green eyes
Are so enticing, so inviting.
If I was normal,
I would make you
My best friend,
But I’m not.
I need
More

Words escape me
I try to sound
Insightful,
Experienced,
Deep.
All that comes out is cheap.
Woe is me;
I was built without
The romance gene.
My hand cramps,
My brow is furrowed
As I scribble down cliché words and phrases
Trying to share with you my feelings.
I grow with concern
As I wonder,
Will you accept
My flawed flow of thoughts?
As I hope you appreciate
My rash attempt at a love letter.

I am ready
These last six months
Have changed my heart.
My curse is now a blessing,
For it brought me the gift
That is you.
I now walk through a cloud
Of perfume
To get ready to give myself
To you completely,
To be closer than ever before.
You have given me so much
Strength, wisdom, love.
My burden is now my wings.
I am ready for you to make me
Whole.
I am ready for you and me
To become a
We.

Silence is deafening
Unspoken words
Float thick in the air.
I look at you and know
You see me.
My stare burns a hole
In your porcelain skin.
Our last encounter replays
On a loop in my head.
A smile
A touch
A kiss
A man
A scream
A door
A slam
How things change
So quickly, so badly
A smile, a touch, a kiss,
A man, a scream, a door...

Blows
Sticks and stones
May break my bones,
But words
Peirce my heart.
Dumb, ugly, queer
Those words and their brothers are
Tattooed into my brain.
Each one a new dent
To my now fragile armor.
Most of the hardest blows,
Months ago,
I created myself,
But never
Would I have thought
Some of the biggest holes
Would be made by you;
Someone who use to
Shield me from
Such harsh remarks.

Change in perspective

I do it for you
I love you.
Right now
You probably wouldn’t believe me;
I have said somethings and
Done somethings
That have hurt you,
But it’s true.
I have never felt
So close to someone.
Never cared for someone
Like I do you.
But my parents won’t allow us to be.
Ever since that night,
It has just been
Easier,
Safer
To make you think
I hate you
Him
You must know, it’s not real.
I am just
Pretending.
I am only putting on a show
For the folks.
I see you looking;
I can tell that you are hurt
By every
Smile,
Touch,
Kiss,
But know it is not what we had.
It is not revenge or redemption;
It is simply a part.
My love for you is real and forever,
So don’t let these few scripted moments
Blow our chances.

Stand up
I will no longer be his little soldier.
I am not clay he can mold.
My dad has called the shots for
Too long.
You are too important to me.
I can't keep hurting you
For him.
It’s my life, my love, my chance
To take what I want for a change.
He has cost me too much.
I love him
But not more than I love
You and me.

Reunited
It was hard to see you again;
Up close you can see the pain.
I see it in your hunched shoulders,
Your grim expressions,
Your glossed over brown eyes.
When I ended the show with my dad’s “homemade Ken”,
I thought I should come talk to you.
I thought I could make us good again.
I thought wrong.
Maybe it is just too soon
Or maybe we just can’t put us back together again.
I’ll just have to wait and see
If your once-warm features –
The twinkle in your eyes
Your constant sassy smirk –
Will ever be seen again.

Break Through
You smiled in my direction.
At first,
I thought I was dreaming.
At first,
I thought it was not for me.
But no,
I was awake and the only one in the room.
The tides have turned.
We can start rebuilding
The relationship
I let my father burn.

Together
After all the internal struggle –
Through prayer, through love, through thinking
I am free.
After all the barriers we broke –
The fight, the tug of war,
The control has ended.
Finally
We
Are
Together