Working from home has come to be the greatest lasting effect of Covid-19. Sitting at my desk, staring out the window of the den-turned-home-office, I can still smell the toast Peter burned in his rush to school this morning. To my right sits my third cup of coffee of the day (decaf at this point) and across my lap lays my favorite blanket; the comforts of at home working! With this set up I can nearly forget that a step out the door would place me in a tundra where dry, cold air nips at any bare skin it can find. This time of year makes me question the sanity of all the joggers that pass by in their tight little outfits; I like to count them daily. 

I’ll admit, when I bought this house on Arrowhead Drive I had been too focused on the clawfoot tub and the size of the master bedroom to consider what the location meant. Of all places to live, I chose a street where the only way out of the neighborhood was past the highschool, and I learned the hard way that there was no use in trying to go anywhere between two and three pm. I’m not off work until 5:30 so it doesn’t affect me much anymore. Another interesting quirk of my home is that it is situated right in the middle of a massive hill. So not only do hundreds, if not thousands, of cars frequent the street daily, sports teams and hobby joggers trek past constantly. Just now, there seems to be one doing short sprints to the end of my driveway and walking down. Her workout doesn’t look that bad, however it is 15 degrees and I am still more than thankful to be in my shoes (UGG slippers I got at Christmas!) and not hers. 

After a few trips up and down the hill she pauses at the bottom to take off her hat and jacket, leaving her in a long sleeve and leggings. She can’t be older than 16, the same age as Peter, and I almost feel irresponsible for not going outside to warn her that she will catch a cold in that attire. But that’s not my place, so I continue filling out tax forms. Some time later the girl pauses at the end of my driveway and catches my eye- which was not that difficult to do because I was becoming incredibly bored with TurboTax. Her expression looked pained, and it wasn’t so much a “so physically exerted I may throw up” expression, but more so a look of “being strangled by the urge to break down into tears”. Now I am invested.

 I scan the street and the girl to look for any obvious reasons to cry, but seeing as she is the only person out there and her clothing shows no signs of dishelvement from a fall, I come up empty. At this point the girl is walking down the hill but from the movement of her back I can see short rapid breaths are filling her lungs and her hands are meeting her face to wipe the tears away. The scene is like a car accident on the freeway, I cannot break my gaze from the crying runner.  Towards the bottom she stops dead on the opposite side of the street and faces the woods for what feels like an eternity. Her breath grows deeper and slower, it’s fascinating to observe while she pulls herself up out of the great wave of misery she had been swept under. I feel myself let out a breath of relief, she will be okay. She picks up her jacket and her hat, and I think she is going to head back to the school after what looked like the worst workout of her life. This is where she surprises me; instead of running away, leaving the reminiscence of this private display of emotion on the hill of Arrowhead Drive and never coming back, she charges right back up with more energy than she had in any sprint prior. 

 There are many unknowns in the twenty minute episode I witnessed today. What made her breakdown in the first place? What did she think of to put her mind at ease? And most importantly, what made her continue running? As a simple observer with no prior connection to her, I know that I will never know the real answer to these questions. I can only reflect on what I saw and ask how I would talk myself off the ledge. When things get difficult what keeps me grounded, what keeps me facing the problems that seem to have no solution instead of running to escape them?

 These are not any easier to answer. I would have needed to take more risks and force myself to experience the uncomfortable to even find the ledge at all. Sure, this has kept me from the turmoil I watched the runner experience this afternoon, but it has also kept me from the triumph of sprinting back up the hill. My life has been level, my emotions have been constant, and I have never really known a great high or low. Oh well, nothing I can do now. I readjust my blanket, take a sip of my decaf coffee, and return my attention to TurboTax.