Dear Terra,

Only a few days have passed since you passed. My psychiatrist recommended I start writing letters to you. Apparently it can help deal with grief. It almost reminds me of the time you studied abroad in England. You talked about it so much, it almost felt like I was there too. I want to visit it now to know what you saw. You said it rained a lot, right? That’s how it seems now. Rainy and dreary with not much color to the world. Funny how death makes you closer to other people, isn’t it?

Mom and Dad are really worried about me. I told them I was fine, but I guess they don’t believe me. Hence going to therapy I guess. They say that I’m not in my right mind, but I’m no different than I was before. Well, maybe I’m crying a bit more. Not much besides that, I think. Don’t you think it’s sort of reckless of them to do that? A couple days pass and then they say I need therapy? Bit drastic to me. They should at least wait a week or two.

I still remember your pale face. Your hair was fanned around your head like a halo. You were pretty. Haha, don’t tell anyone I told you that. A big brother is supposed to pick on his sister right? Can’t go and be a softie now. That one chick you were interested in probably would have liked you. No doubt about it. You two would have been cute together. Maybe when she passes, you’ll see her again. Ah, I guess she would have to be single when she died. She was at the funeral by the way. She was crying a lot. Maybe she was interested in you.

Any ways, I need to eat now. I’ll eat for the both of us!
Your mourning brother,
Toby
Dear Terra,

I finally went back to school today (one month later). I’ve got a lot of work to catch up on. It’s no fun, but I guess it’s good that I’m taking mostly blow off classes, haha. It sucks though because there are a lot of punks in them. One of them was talking bad about you. I punched him. Broke his nose quite well, actually. I got sent to the principal. He’s letting me off this time, but he said that next time I would be suspended. That’s probably not a good thing, right? You told me I’d go far if I applied myself. Maybe I should start taking your advice. A bunch of other students though came and apologized to me. I guess I should be thankful, but I’m sure it’s just a bunch of lies that they say because it’s polite.

Speaking of people from school, your friends came to me today asking if I was ok. They wouldn’t leave me alone actually. I wanted to be mad, but I couldn’t bring myself to yell at them. After all, they knew you too. They were probably just as sad as me. I can’t put my anger onto them. They sat with me at lunch. Good thing I suppose. My friends wouldn’t come near me at all. I’d see them glance at me occasionally from the spot they moved to, but they wouldn’t come over to see. They just hid away and avoided me. It’s annoying. Nothing about me is different. Sure, I’m still in therapy, but I’m no different than I was before. If I had a broken leg, would they treat me differently? Both are physical injuries. Serotonin levels change when a person is sad just like the leg changes when it’s broken. Ugh. My brain feels foggy. I’m going to leave it there.
Your loving brother,
Toby

Dear Terra,

Mom and Pop are really worried now. They tell me to go back to who I was. Apparently I remind them of you now. Funny. We were nothing alike. I don’t believe it honestly. We were as different as day and night. Did we ever even agree on anything? I don’t believe we did. I always wanted to go fishing. You wanted to stay home. I’m fishing more than ever now. I should have made you come. The fishing spot was amazing today. The lake was crystal clear. The grass was emerald green; the sky was as blue as your eyes. You would have enjoyed it.

I spend most of my time there now because I got expelled. You probably aren’t very happy about that, are you? I got into three more fights since the last time I wrote. I broke this one chick’s leg. Busted the ear drums of this other guy. And my favorite story! I stabbed this one guy in the arm. I think that’s what set them off. It caused a huge uproar. They had to call the police in. I almost went to jail, but they let me off for some reason. I still don’t know why. Our parents won’t tell me anything. They weren’t happy. They wanted to put me in an institution full time because of it. Thankfully my therapist told them to wait on it. The best thing she’s done so far!

It makes me so angry knowing they wanted to do that. Sometimes, it makes me wonder what would happen if I made a gas leak. They don’t understand what it’s like. Everyone says that there’s something wrong with you but you’re really fine. I keep telling them that, but they don’t believe me. Why don’t they believe me?
Your brother,
Toby

Dear Terra,

They finally did it. They put me in an institute. What ungrateful liars. “We won’t put you in an institute. We don’t think you’re insane. You’re just fine.” Liars. Both of them. It’s not fair for them to do that. I’ve been nothing but good and obedient to them. What do they do? They turn around and put me in a mental hospital. As if there is something wrong with me! Nothing is wrong with me besides how angry I am that they did that. Who puts their last child in a place for crazy people? If anything, that’ll probably make me insane! My problem is them. They shouldn’t do something so incompetent. That’ll only get them hurt in the end. Even the psychiatrist is starting to look at me funny! Nothing they do is right. They shouldn’t be treating me like this! I deserve to do more and be better. It’s not my fault they can’t handle the fact that you died. If they can’t deal with it, that’s their fault. They shouldn’t get me involved with their pathetic pity party. They’ll pay one day.
Your bro,
Toby

Dear Terra,

They’re gone. Probably not with you though. You’re probably in heaven, right? You were always a goody-two-shoes, so I’d be surprised if you weren’t. I snuck out with a lighter. The fire was so beautiful. Shimmering and flickering in the wind. It looked almost magical. The reds and the oranges all swallowing up the house. I watched it until the sirens started to go off. It lit up the whole area. I could see for about a mile until I ended up going around a building. Then I couldn’t see it any more. I told them they’d regret it. I told you they’d regret it. Someone from the family will probably come down and see that they were wrong. They’ll see that I’m okay. They’ll get me out of here.
Sincerely,
Toby
Terra,

They’re still alive. They weren’t home. They lived. I didn’t get them. I will next time though. Next time. I’ll make sure of it. I won’t leave any room for error. I can’t believe I let them live. They should have died. They all should have died. Not you. They’ll learn not to keep me locked up in this cell. They’ll pay for all they’ve done.
Toby
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Winters,

I regret to inform you that your daughter, Terra Grace Winters, has taken a turn for the worst. Her mental health has decreased in stability. Not only does she firmly believe she is Toby Kyle Winters as she has since she first arrived, she has also seems to be suffering from a severe form of psychosis. At this time, I would like to advise you to not visit as she still firmly believes that both of you are responsible for your son’s death.
With your permission, I would like to prescribe to her antipsychotic drugs. However, I must warn you that the side effects of the drugs may be more damaging to her health. There has been a history of users having suffered brain damage, symptoms of Parkinson’s disease, as well as a change in personality. If continued on them for a long time, she may also have a psychotic break when discontinued. With this in mind, I would like you to consider the treatment.
Sincerely,
Ella Daniels, Psy. D.