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Loving you is like wanting death Ep. 1
She tried to strike him with her bare fleshed hand. He grabbed it in mid air. "Would you like to try again?" he asked with a dark smirk across his face. Yes! She screamed within herself. She hated him and everything he did to her. She loved him but hated everything about him. He killed her hope of her father coming back to her. She looked away from the hard-chisseled face that captured her in such a trance many times before. "He will come back. He loves me, which is more than what I can say about you!" I shifted away from him. He crossed his arms and began to sigh. He leaned on the fireplace as i sat down on the piano in the middle of the living room. I shuffled through the sheet music and found a symphony from Beethoven's 3rd. I began to play. my fingers gently touching the ancient piece. I could feel his eyes burning a hole through my head. He who stole me away in the middle of the night just to tell me that my father's return was hopeless and just a fairytale. Yes, I hated him. I suddenly didnt feel the urge to play anymore and finished the symphony with my own made up tune. I gently closed the piano and walked to the door to exit this treacherous place he was trying to keep me captive in. He glided in front of the door and leaned on the handle. His face was now serious and stricken with frustration. "For the last time your not going anywhere. So sit now." he brushed his hand through his black hair and lowered his eyes at me. "Move." I said in a husk voice. It was five in the morning i had no time for this. He smiled well more of a sinical smile then a happy-go-lucky one. Jackass. "Make me." He crossed his arms back in place and began to hum the same tune i played a minmute ago. "You arrogant-" I stopped myself. "Fine Ill move you." I spoke in a low whisper. His eyes fluttered as I moved closer to him. His breath and mine lingered together as we breathed in eachothers scent. I skimmed my lips across his. He backed up. Yeah wasnt expecting that one now were you. I kept repeating that in my head. I had the control not him. He lowered his arms and then grabbed me by the waist pulling me closer to him. His rock solid chest against mine. He bit my lower lip and then devoured my lips with a need that he must have been holding back for all this time. It was our first but not our last kiss.
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This article has 166 comments.
This is really good!
I see a lot of potential in what you've written; as far as what contemporary teen romance fiction looks like these days you've got the style/trend down really well. However this piece really needs editing. You change tenses unneccessarily and there is a very low level of professional presentation -- you have screaming typos and a lack of crucial and basic punctuation at times.
The storyline also seems to move incongruously. I'm not sure if that was your intent or not. But your fmc goes from angry to playing the piano to angry to making out with the guy without a discernable, fully developed transition that the reader can follow. If you smoothed out these rough edges this piece as a whole would be a lot more convincing and enticing.
Best of luck to you.