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Unhealthy Obsession. Part I.
Im not going to hurt you, I promise.
Im not going to hurt you, I promise.
Im not going to hurt you.
These are the words that run through my mind.
Not really as a voice in my ear, they’re just going through my brain.
But I can feel the vibrations of his breath as he speaks, on my neck.
I keep blacking out, then coming back, then blacking out, then coming back.
I go from feeling a rocking sensation as the vehicle moves us, and feeling me wrapped up in his arms, to feeling nothing. I don’t know why hes trapping me there, it’s not like I can escape.
I don’t know where he’s taking me.
I told him I didn’t want to go anywhere and that I was nervous but he didn’t listen and he silently put something over my mouth, probably chloroform or something; Id seen it on TV before, and kept saying. ‘Shh, shh.’
The car is nice, Ive seen it before. The windows are blacked out so people wouldn’t be alarmed to see some girl stretched across the passenger and driving seat, almost drooling, obviously drugged or something, with her eyes rolling back into her head and the driver calmly stroking her temples with his fingers.
He told me that he loved me. He was obsessed. It isn’t my fault. I can’t control what other people feel towards me, contrary to what he says.
A lot of the time, he’s sweet and kind. Strange, sure, but he’s perfect apart from that, and his anger.
It takes quite a lot for him to get angry but when he does he goes insane.
I can’t be with him and he’s made me hate him.
“I love you and I need to be with you,” he had said out of nowhere.
“Jamie, I… I’ve told you before, I can’t be with you.”
His hands were formed into fists and he was looking at with smouldering eyes, trying to control his anger.
“We can be together if we just-“
“No, Jamie! No, we can’t. I’m not running away with you. Now just let. Me go.” I looked around nervously as he closed his eyes, preparing to argue or fight with me. I didn’t know which.
I bit my lip and held my breath and walked slowly towards him to tell him I was sorry and that he should forget about me when he gently grabbed my neck, forced the cloth to my face, putting me to sleep, and carried me to the car, being quiet and careful about it. Not getting caught.
I woke up fully, looked at the dash board after a minute and saw the time. 11: 34pm. His car was expensive and even had a DVD player on the back of the seats and on the dashboard along with a built in sat-nav, a CD player that held 5 CDs and other stuff I didn’t really recognise.
I kept quiet for a few minutes, hoping he wouldn’t notice I was awake.
Until he glanced down, smiled at me and said. “Hi honey. You want a drink?”
I coughed a bit, swallowed and tried to get the medicinal taste of whatever he had used on me, out of my mouth.
I shook my head, and my voice came out husky when I said, “I need some fresh air.”
He quickly pulled over. Always willing and able to give me what I wanted. We were on a dark country road with no other cars, no lights anywhere, and just trees and forests surrounding us. Nowhere to go.
He gently helped me sit up but I shrugged him off and got out of the car myself, throwing the blanket he had put on me, to the floor, and ran as fast as I could. I couldn’t run on the road, he would easily catch up with me – he was faster than me, and stronger.
I decided to run the opposite way to where the car had been heading, and jumped over a fence on the left into a field. Only a short distance into this was a forest. Forests at night, or the day time for that matter, scared the hell out of me but I didn’t know where he was taking me or what he was planning to do so getting lost in a forest seemed a little better than what my imagination was making up.
I heard the car door slam, my name being shouted, and then I could hear a soft thumping behind me. I didn’t know whether to look back or not, but I needed to see how close he was, so I did.
He had jumped over the fence, and I was just going into the forest.
He’d catch me up in no time.
I needed a plan. I didn’t really have one, obviously, because I hadn’t exactly prepared for this, and I didn’t really have time, but I needed to think.
So I felt relieved when, as I looked back on him, the wind throwing my hair back and hitting me in the face like a fist, branches scratching at my bare arms and neck, time seemed to slow down, allowing my brain to speed up. Everything went slower; I could feel each thorn slowly dragging along my skin, could hear each twig snap beneath my feet, could see each leaf fall, could taste cool air in my mouth as I desperately gasped for breath, and could smell his aftershave on the places my skin had leant on his in the car.
I knew that I needed to throw him off track – running forward would do nothing to help me get away. But making loud noises as I pushed my way through branches and jumped over mounds of earth would draw attention, so I needed to somehow have speed, constantly change direction, and be silent all at the same time. Then time returned back to its normal pace without allowing my brain to think up how I would do that, and I turned back around.
I started to run at an angle about 45 degrees to the right of where I was heading before, and I tried to dodge as many trees and low hanging leaves as I could, being careful about not letting him know where I was.
I kept doing this, changing my direction but not enough to run back on him, being as quiet as possible and trying not to gasp from running so fast and the shock of being cut by nettles and smacked by trees repeatedly.
It felt like it was going on forever, and my breathing was harsh and laboured, made worse by me trying to contain it, and sweat was running down my cheeks and necks and palms, making it impossible to grab hold of anything.
The only way I could track time was by the light above me. There was no light to start with, none at all. But now there was a hazy reddish glow above the trees – no sun yet, just a faint tint of colour. It was dark and moody and it reminded me of the old nursery rhyme I heard long ago; ‘Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Red sky in morning, shepherd’s warning.’
Even the sky was warning me that something bad would happen.
I tried to tell myself it only meant the weather would be bad, but I couldn’t help but shake the feeling he was close, and eventually I’d lose this game of hide and seek.
I was sweating, a few rays of sun were shining through the trees, and my breathing was getting louder and louder until I was panting.
I had been running for hours. I needed to stop.
I found a big tree with low hanging branches and a little hiding place that had been made by another trunk falling down across it, and decided to rest in there. In any other situation, Id be terrified of spiders and insects, but I didn’t really care over the alternative of being found.
I stayed there for what seemed like hours, but I could tell had only been minutes, until I heard a snap of a twig. I froze where I was, not letting myself even breathe. My eyes closed in fright, and my skin prickled against the dewy leaves.
Round Lake, Illinois
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