What’s wrong with me? I thought as a I watched Alyssa’s bruised covered body crawling away from me like a wounded prey. My body is a ticking bomb when I am around Alyssa, exploding at the slightest mistakes she makes. “Matthew, please stop!” She exclaimed at me.  I run my bleeding hands through my hair in frustration. “What’s wrong with me!” I yell in anger, throwing a vase at the wall. Alyssa jumped at the sound and looked at her one-year anniversary present shattered into pieces. Tears raced down her face. “Please leave.” Alyssa  while being choked by her fear. I give her one last look of regret and walk out with a missing piece of my heart.

When I stepped out, I was engulfed deep into the darkness.  All I can see in my head is Alyssa’s beautiful, bright blue eyes covered with shadows of darkness. My chest tightened as I thought of how much I have hurt her in the past year. “God, what have I done?” I say into the darkness. I need to pick up the pieces, starting off with finding mines.

“So, you say you can’t control yourself when you are mad, correct?” The therapist looks at her papers then looks at me. “Correct” I reply, shifting uncomfortably on this chair that seems to be made out of stone. “Can you please explain to me again why you are finally getting help.” Oh you know, because I used to enjoy abusing my girlfriend but now I actually feel bad. “Well, I really love my girlfriend Alyssa and I want to be able to treat her right,impatient” I say truthfully. “Well, the first step is to learn to calm your anger. Then, apologize to Alyssa and make things right” she says with understanding eyes. “ However, b,.e careful” she said in a warning tone. “If you feel yourself getting angry, walk away. “ Okay okay, can I go now?”impatiently. “Yes, but remember-” “Yea yea, walk away” I interrupt her. Finally, I can go make things right with Alyssa.

I’m going to make things right, I’m going to make things right  I repeated to myself as I walked up to her front door. I raise my hand to knock on her door, but I didn’t hear a knock. No, you can do this Matthew I say encouraging myself. Next thing you know, my hand knocks on the wooden door.  After what seemed like an hour, I see Alyssa’s swollen face look at me with complete dread. “Alyssa before you run away or slam the door on my face, take five minutes to listen to me. Please.” I beg to Alyssa. She observes me like a book, reading every page of my emotions; trying to figure out if I'm worth her time. “Ok, you can come in, but you only have five minutes.” 

Time, time is something that is underappreciated until it is needed the most.  Here I am, trying to explain myself to a girl I hurt the most in under five minutes. “I swear to you Alyssa, I realized what I did to you is completely wrong,” I say out of breath as my five minutes are coming to an end. “Please, take me back ” I beg with tears threatening to come out of my eyes. Alyssa stares at me, with pity in her eyes. Why is she looking at me like that? I ponder to myself. She hasn’t said a word in the past two minutes, just opening and closing her mouth like a fish. “Look, just say it,” I say to her becoming anxious. “Okay, Matthew,” she says cautiously. “That’s very sweet of you, but I don’t forgive you,” she says slowly as if the bullet will cause less damage. She doesn't forgive me? I ask myself as my anger boils out of control. I feel myself stomping toward Alyssa as my vision becomes blurry.

What’s wrong with me? I thought as I dragged Alyssa’s cold, lifeless body deep into the forest.