"how many nights does it take to count the stars?
that's the time it would take to fix my heart"

You know sometimes, you just somehow rather feel rather melancholic. And it's not for an hour, not a day, not a week but months. I don't know whether it's because the year is coming to an end and it's the time where we all start reflecting on what we have done for the past year or whether it's just me wallowing in this self-induced sadness.

For the past month, I spent many nights reflecting on the year which is coming to an end soon. I thought about the people who were in my life at the start of the year and where they are now. I thought about the friends I called my closest and who they are to me now. I thought about my studies, the hard work leading up to my major examinations. And I thought about myself, I asked why I changed. No one can give me a definite answer because it’s a question that only I hold the answer too. It wasn’t easy coming up with an answer, I searched deep within my heart and soul, but I failed to derive an answer, Not until in the silence of the night, in bed with all these thoughts did I come up with my answer.

Time was my answer, the ticking of the clock in the dark silence made me realize how this simple 4 letter word could change my life. I changed because of time, because time made me went through the different experiences in my life. Many say time flies but I think what we don’t realize is that we fly through time. This concept of time is hard to grasp but time made me change. For good or for bad, I think it’s debatable. The countless setbacks and heartbreaks made me realize how fragile life is and pushed me to my wit ends yet at the same time, it gave me the resolve to stand up stronger.

To me, it’s normal to reflect on life but to my friends, they think I think too much, I beg to differ sometimes. Yes it's true I go through scenarios in my head like a broken recording tape but I think that's me. That’s who I am as a person, that's what's make me me. Many friendships of mine are highly fragile due to my overthinking and often unnecessary assumptions. I put many friendships of mine on the line simply because I thought my friends didn’t care anymore. I cut off communication with them and became distant because I didn’t want to risk getting hurt again. I think that’s what the worse overthinking has done to me and I am trying to stop it. Overthinking caused baseless accusations and jealousy and I hate it because it made me feel so alone and worthless.

I hate waging war with myself because each time, I am defeated. I hate the jealousy swirling in the pit of my stomach, rising up in flames and coming out as ashes. For years I have grappled with fighting this part of me, and I am exhausted. To me, this demon is undefeatable, with a strength comparable to mine yet manages to have an edge in each battle. Which is why I am going to stop fighting this battle, it doesn’t mean I am giving up. It means I learnt to accommodate this demon in my life but not letting it take over me.

Overthinking is part of my life. If I don't overthink, trust me, it's weird. And I think that's okay, I learnt to accept that overthinking is something I can't change. I can only learn how to balance it. Many think that overthinking is bad, it's harmful for your life but I don't think so. It lets you see things in a worse way but at least it brings down your expectations. You won't feel that upset when you get let down because you gone through that upsetting scenario in your head so many times that you learnt how to deal with it.

Maybe life is all about the grey areas, things aren't as black and white as we make it seem to be. Many a times, we have to take both the good and bad to create something extraordinary.

To be very honest, I don't know where this piece of writing is going but a jumble of thoughts in my head currently. If you are reading this, I want you to realize that it's okay to be you. It’s true that I’m an over-thinker and I trying to embrace that part of me. A part which seems evil but actually has some goodness in it. We all have our flaws but that’s what make us a unique piece in this world.

Be yourself; embrace who you are because you will never be happy if you aren't. And always remember, true friends will accept you for who you are. To the friends I found and supported me through this journey, thank you very much. I wouldn’t be where I am without you. I will preserve and keep going because I know this is a journey which will shape me to be a better person.

This is a lifelong journey and there are times where you will think that you are sinking bellow all the negativity but in actual fact, you are rising above it. So keep going, this isn’t the end of everything.