Opulence | Teen Ink

Opulence MAG

May 1, 2008
By AquaGem SILVER, Kalamazoo, Michigan
AquaGem SILVER, Kalamazoo, Michigan
5 articles 0 photos 50 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy. ~Henry Kissinger

Life it too short to let you matter.


I’ve been watching him for days now. When he leaves his house to go to school, I’m the one carefully tailing him, switching cars every day to make myself look less suspicious. If he ever sneaks out of his second-story room, I’ll be the one silently watching from a nearby tree. In class when he turns, feeling eyes on the back of his head, I’m the one who sent the hair on the back of his neck up on end. I am the girl whose shadow is always slightly overlapping his.

Being assigned to watch him almost makes me
feel like I’m not a stalker. Though I’m only 17, I’m a full-fledged member of the organization known as O.P.U.L.E.N.C.E. I’ve been with them since the ­tender age of five. It’s my home. Being an orphan, my office is also my permanent residence, the couch a fold-out bed. There are many others like me: no family. A lot of us are loners and haven’t chosen this route for ourselves.

I’m a tracker. I have been for years and some might say that I am the best at not being the best. In other words, I’m great at being invisible. Or at not being noticed. It’s not as hard as the others in the organization think. Being young and female is good, since most we track are young. Seeing me around younger people – my age, actually – doesn’t raise alarm bells. It helps that I’m cute. With a small frame, light hazel eyes, and short blond hair that curls under my chin, I don’t appear threatening. Of course, my ­organization-funded training doesn’t back that theory.

Soon I won’t be tracking down others with the power. They are finally going to give me an apprentice. After years of mastering everything I’ve been taught, they see my potential. That’s not to say I know everything. Even with my extended life I won’t be able to learn all the things I want to. If only this annoying boy would show the signs. It’s been almost a week. If he doesn’t show soon, they’ll reassign me. That much longer until I get my apprentice.

So here I am, sipping a latté and waiting for the Target to leave for school. I have been put in all of his classes in case something happens there, though I graduated high school years ago. Private tutors sped things up. With no family or personal ties, I had lots of time to devote to my studies. Martial arts black belts. Twelve languages, not including English. Everything a girl needs for a serious career in the agency. Such positions of power are not handed out easily. You must prove yourself many times over.

The Target and I have never spoken, but I know a lot about him. His file told me some, but after watching him for only a few days, I feel confident in saying that I know things no one else does. Not just the obvious, either. He resents his father and is protective of his mother, which makes me suspect the father is less than faithful. He smiles often but doesn’t make a lot of eye contact. He usually only speaks when spoken to. Although he has many friends, he isn’t close with any of them. The Target is observant, a watcher. This leads me to believe we would get along if he shows any promise.

I look down at my watch, then back at his house a few blocks away. The Target is late, which means I’ll be late too. Today my ride is a shiny black sports car, not out of place in this suburb full of midlife-crisis men. I turn on the engine impatiently. I’m fiddling with the radio when I hear something. I don’t feel any immediate danger, and I know to trust those feelings. But I ­also know that something is off.

Just as I am about to get out of the car and pretend to look in the trunk, the passenger door opens. I look up in surprise as the Target slides into the seat next to me. I grin, quite pleased by this turn of events. This is definitely a good sign. Perhaps intuition is strong in him. That would be good for my apprentice to have, complementary. I could handle having to deal with that.

“Hello, Lenna. Why have you been following me for a week now?” the Target asks lightly, conversationally, his first words ever said in my direction.

Ah, one of my many aliases. The organization set it up so that whenever I’m on a case, I get a new name, past, and present. It’s very powerful. The organization can basically do anything it needs; it has people everywhere imaginable. I’m just one of many, though there aren’t that many at the top, as I am. They don’t trust many to be trackers. Or to be apprentices. All of the full members have the power, though we control others to get things done.

My smile deepens as I say in my authoritative, professional voice, “My real name is Jade. I am a witch of the moon and a tracker for the organization known as O.P.U.L.E.N.C.E. You are also a witch. We would like to formally welcome you into the organization as my apprentice. Here is my card for verification.”

Jade Wordsworth
Tracker for O.P.U.L.E.N.C.E
Official Political Understanding Lending ­Everyone ­Navigation for Co-Existing Ethereals
Office hours: 8 a.m.-3 p.m. Mon-Sat
Phone: 555-5555
Proud league of witches of the sun and moon.
Worldwide.

“What do you mean ‘moon and sun’? Or ‘tracker’?” he asks, still looking at my card like it’s going to ­disappear.

“Types of magic. Moon is all about spells, the sun is more potion-based, though each type of witchcraft involves the other somehow. As a tracker, I find people like you and I bring them to O.P.U.L.E.N.C.E. Every witch must register, train, and become a member by law. In fact, the organization is like a government targeted toward witches,” I explain with a smile, loving the fact that this time I get to teach the newbie.

“Magic? Seriously?” he asks, eyes wide, meeting mine. They are large, yellow, and catlike.

I click a button on my left, automatically locking the doors. I put the car into drive, pulling out onto the road. As an afterthought I add as a courtesy, “I think you had better come with me.” .



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This article has 896 comments.


on Mar. 17 2009 at 6:04 pm
The story was great, but I've seen the plot too many times. Try adding a little bit of discription to the story. Since she is a tracker everthing should have a lot of detail.

on Mar. 17 2009 at 5:36 pm
i think the idea is good in itself but the writing left something to be desired and the plot wasn't very well thought out...you defineitely need to give your characters a bit more personality. just saying that she's a secret agent spy tracker and then throwing in WITCH was unexpected and kind of cool but a bit too random. i have to disagree and say this is not much like Twilight at all...but i think if you put a TON more into this it might be ok. potential. keep working at it.

brinamcg said...
on Mar. 16 2009 at 11:34 pm
Almost as good as the Twilight saga. This is awesome

on Mar. 15 2009 at 8:25 pm
Dylan P. BRONZE, Queen Creek, Arizona
3 articles 0 photos 1 comment
I found it really interesting! Compaired to my writeings I think you are the better. Keep it up!

on Mar. 15 2009 at 7:13 pm
project827 GOLD, Portage, Michigan
13 articles 1 photo 90 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Real Revolution Starts At Learning, If You're Not Angry, Then You Are Not Paying Attention" - Tim McIlrath

i have to say I'm getting kinda sick of stories like this, but it's different in it's own special way. Hint for the future though: secret organizations have been way overdone.

on Mar. 14 2009 at 11:28 pm
I wasn't a huge fan... I think it had too much of a Twilighty Vibe. I did like your writing style though!!! :) Try for something you don't hear about as often e.g. a story where your main character is kidnapped. This is just constructive critiscism, and I'm not a good writer. :)



Hope this helps!!!!



:)

on Mar. 14 2009 at 4:54 pm
JustAbbi SILVER, Maplewood, Minnesota
7 articles 0 photos 7 comments
Hey, I absolutely love stories like this, and this looks like a book that I would totaly pick up and read, you had me hooked! I hope you do continue with it. :)

on Mar. 7 2009 at 11:50 pm
SmileyRiley PLATINUM, Tremont, Illinois
30 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You can be a victor without having victims and you can stand tall without standing on someone"

this peice is really good but it could use some description, other than that wonderful!

on Mar. 6 2009 at 3:57 am
TwistedAlyx SILVER, Faywood, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."

-John Milton, Paradise Lost

I felt that this needed some work. The writing itself--grammar, vocabulary, etc.--was fine, but I wasn't all that impressed with your plot. I've seen it too many times.



There are a few other things you might want to think about:



For one, I would've liked to know something like our target's name or what he looks like--there's ample opportunity for that since she's watching him constantly. Details make him real. What you’ve given us here is very sparse. You could also be more specific about what “signs” she’s looking for, or why he was picked.



Also, because she’s watching him constantly, why is she surprised at the end when he gets into her car? She should’ve been watching him and seen him walking towards the passenger door. Actually, if he thought he was being followed, why would he get into her car, just like that? I don’t know about you, but I’d be calling the cops, not skipping over to make friends.



How did she find out these intimate details about him, especially after only a few days, without him noticing she was there? Changing cars, right, right, but she would need to get into his house, at least. He might notice that. But, you could use that to your advantage. Maybe she uses her “magic” to become invisible, or hides in his closet—and almost gets caught. (Ooh, ahh.) That could add some excitement, help us get to know your main character better, and get to know the “target” better.



Wouldn’t her being cute *attract* attention?



Finally, the magic really came out of nowhere—you need more of a transition. And your target was too willing to believe in magic right away. The average person is not going to automatically say, “Okay, I am a witch because she says I am.” They are going to assume she’s nuts and walk away or laugh. You should at least make her prove it to him, or explain why he’s so trusting.



My advice is to read everything you can (anything but Twilight) and to keep writing. I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but it’s not meant that way. Giving my honest opinion is the best favor I can do you, pal—if you only hear praise, you’ll never grow and get better. (Even the best of the best always have room to improve.) If you want this and are willing to work for it, nothing will stop you.



Best of luck.

Nickole13 said...
on Mar. 5 2009 at 11:06 pm
I think this is wonderful.

Writing structure is beautiful in this story(:

Maybe we shall see your book in Barnes

on Mar. 3 2009 at 3:19 pm
Enigma212 BRONZE, Fortville, Indiana
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments
It seems all you've written is fiction, and I'm having some trouble believing your character's identities...



I'd like to see you write some non-fiction- not much, maybe just one story. I want to see if you can make someone believe YOUR thoughts and who you really are. If you struggle with telling what you're feeling or doing, then you'll eventually learn how to make yourself believable.



...And then I want to see you make some more fiction writing, implementing the believability you learned in your non-fiction to your character's lives.



Think you're up to the task?

HorseWriter said...
on Mar. 3 2009 at 12:42 am
HorseWriter, Clinton, Mississippi
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
This is a very nice, well written piece. It kept me interested and ready for more at the end. I hope you have considered (or are already) working on an extension of this piece.Job well done!

on Mar. 2 2009 at 3:54 am
Allaboutlyf BRONZE, Hollis, New York
1 article 0 photos 28 comments
wow! This piece was absolutely great! The idea of magic sort of had me in the end! hope you continue it !!

F-Addict said...
on Feb. 28 2009 at 7:32 pm
Great piece. I want to read more!

Great work and very well written :)

on Feb. 27 2009 at 4:53 pm
i liked it:)

Sophieee said...
on Feb. 25 2009 at 8:28 pm
Sophieee, Yeovil, Other
0 articles 8 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus.' - Wallace Stegner.

Very well written- I love the magical twist in it!You have a unique writing style; I wanna read the rest! (:

mycatquacks said...
on Feb. 23 2009 at 12:24 am
mycatquacks, New York, New York
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
This was pretty good - not painful to read, not filled with grammatical errors. However, I think it needs work. The idea of OPULENCE itself is fairly original, and it's a pretty good twist to traditional stories about magic. But even though it hasn't really been explained yet, the magic itself seems like it has no originality. What specifically can these people do besides track? Try thinking of an ability that isn't too commonplace, and a way to reveal what it is without seeming contrived. (I know, I know, the potion thing is kind of unique...but not enough. Either go with something specific but common, such as seeing into the future, or something really interesting.) Also, your dialogue isn't overly realistic, so you should work on that. Overall, not bad - just needs a few improvements.

Carly Nelson said...
on Feb. 22 2009 at 1:41 am
Carly Nelson, Wickliffe, Ohio
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
Wow! Even Stephenie Meyer would be jealous! That was the most exciting thing I have ever read!

on Feb. 21 2009 at 5:24 am
Ren-P. PLATINUM, Tulsa, Oklahoma
21 articles 18 photos 45 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You must give up a life you’d planned in order to have the life that’s waiting for you." ~ Joseph Campbell

Wow! That was the most amazing thing I've ever read on Teen Ink. :) Keep Writing!

on Feb. 20 2009 at 8:54 pm
I really enjoyed this it made me wish for more. I liked how it was simple and easy to understand without any loop holes and such. As in other stories with SiFi like plots, it always takes chapters until you fully understand that concept. I WANT MORE!